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I’ve been dating a 34 year old woman for five months now. Upon meeting her she led me to believe that she was single and lived in another city which I never questioned. As she led me to believe that she was here only once a week on company business, I recently met her and her husband at a conference I was attending here where I live and come to find out she’s been married the whole time and also lives here where I do. When I asked her why she lied and why she carried on this game she simply told me not to ask her anymore questions and that I wouldn’t understand. On top of that her husband is a cop which makes me a little nervous too. Can you give me some advice as to what she’s thinking and what I should do. I don’t want to lose her.
Unfortunately, in this situation, you never really had her, so she is not yours to “lose.” The relationship you believe to have established and shared with this woman never actually existed. And, while this is surely upsetting and difficult to accept, the faster you come to terms with the reality of the situation the better.
This woman lied to you repetitively. And, when it became clear that you were beginning to develop genuine affections for her, she continued to deceive you by perpetuating an intricate lie that she knew could never become a reality.
Women like this are manipulative, self-serving, and cruel. Understandably, it is hard to accept this assessment because this is not the woman you “know” and grew to care for. It was all a sham designed to make you believe exactly what she wanted you to believe about her and her intentions.
A good relationship must be solidly founded on trust, and she has proven again and again that she is not worthy of yours. She used you, plain and simple.
It is difficult to understand why a woman would do what she has done to you. But there are no excuses for her behavior, and absolutely nothing makes it right. Perhaps she is unhappy in her marriage, but an affair is never an appropriate way to rectify this situation. And, although you had no way of knowing initially that you were engaging in an adulterous relationship, now you have no excuse for continuing such an illicit liaison.
It disturbs me further that once you discovered her lie and confronted her about it, she evaded your questions and refused to explain herself. Her condescending quip that you “wouldn’t understand” serves only to reinforce her position of control. She’s been using you. She’s refused to provide you with answers you deserve. She has no intention of leaving her husband. And, even if she did, this is not the type of woman you should want to pursue a relationship with. You deserve much better.
Finally, your gut instinct about her husband should not be ignored. We know that cops, unfortunately, are often able to exert pressure and intimidation beyond the scope of their professional responsibilities. And, believe me, should he find out about your affair with his wife, you will be the target of his anger, regardless of how culpable you actually were.
Sever your ties with this woman and find someone worthy of your affections – perhaps someone available for more than simply weekend interludes. Let her find someone else to toy with for her own amusement. Believe me, she will.
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I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now and he’s the man I want to marry. But my boyfriend suffers from premature ejaculation and we’ve never been able to have sex for more than a few minutes at a time. This has left me very unsatisfied and unfulfilled sexually. We had tried everything possible to try to fix this problem but so far nothing seems to work. I would never think about cheating on him but I also have my needs and I just don’t know what to do. Can you tell me what you think I should do to satisfy my needs. Should I seek a safe detached sexual relationship that has no meaning or should I just take the good with the bad.
The short answer to your question is NO. If you’ve been with your boyfriend for two years then there is clearly a lot at stake and you love him. There is no such thing as a “safe detached sexual relationship,” and it will never work. You cannot create a composite by sleeping with one guy and getting emotional fulfillment from someone else. If you truly value your current relationship, you need to make an effort to improve your sexual experiences and satisfy your needs – which, by the way, are completely normal. Experience has proven that women are rarely 100% sexually satisfied in bed without some personal initiative. But you know that already. No guy left to his own devices will be your own personal Lothario, Casanova, or Edward Cullen.
And, rest assured, yours is not the only man who suffers from this unfortunate affliction. Not all women, however, are brave enough to talk about it. But you need to approach this issue very carefully. A man’s sexual performance is intricately connected to his self-esteem and feelings of self-worth. There are many things you and your boyfriend can do to fulfill your sexual needs and improve your sexual experiences and intimacy without injuring his self-confidence or ego.
First, you need to understand that there are several factors which could be contributing to your boyfriend’s performance issues. Pre-mature ejaculation is often a sign of stress or pre-existing trauma. A new job, family or financial issues, or stress at school or work can all be contributing factors in sexual performance. You need to be attuned and sensitive to these issues. And, of course, realize that sexual anxiety can also contribute to stress which can create a self-perpetuating cycle.
If your boyfriend suffers from a pre-existing medical condition, then I would certainly recommend his speaking with his doctor. While this is not necessarily a comfortable conversation to have, the benefits far outweigh the negatives. Sex is an integral part of any healthy relationship, and a professional may be able to provide some sexual exercises to improve his performance.
Pre-mature ejaculation can also be a direct result of excessive masturbation, which is, frankly, a utilitarian practice. The goal of masturbation is to get off, often as quickly as possible. His body could actually be wired to respond to all sexual encounters this way – simply a means to an end goal and quick release. You need to patiently work to retrain his body. He needs to learn to enjoy every part of the experience and not view sex as simply a way to achieve an orgasm.
In the meantime, there are ways to “work around” his performance issues. Young men are often quite capable of multiple orgasms with limited downtime in between. Use this time to focus on your pleasure. Encourage your boyfriend to go slow and help him learn to address your needs.
Or, consider extended foreplay. Challenge your boyfriend to get you off before you actually have sex. Try experimenting with a vibrator. This can be a very intimate and erotic experience. Believe me – he hasn’t done this with every girl he’s been with because it requires a degree of exposure many women are not comfortable with. And, he’ll be just as excited about using it on you as he will be to watch you. Tread carefully though. You do not want him to feel threatened, that he has been replaced, or that he is not capable of meeting your needs. Again, a male ego is a delicate thing indeed.
And know that, ultimately, improving your sexual experiences will also serve to improve his self-esteem, which will only lead to further improvements in his sexual performance.
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the last four years, and we finally moved in together this past year as we plan to marry in a few years. In the last year we have rarely had sex and this has caused me to think that something’s wrong. Either he’s seeing somebody else, or he doesn’t find me attractive anymore or maybe I’m not satisfying him anymore. This has begun to make me very insecure and I think resentful too. What do you think it is? Is this normal for couples to go through this after the first few years of being together and what can I do to spice up our sex life so I can get him interested in me again.
Moving in together is an exciting step for a couple and can signal the start of a wonderful new phase in your relationship. Unfortunately, it is quite common for couples to experience sexual problems as a side effect. I do not believe that your recent lack of sex indicates that he is cheating on you or that he no longer finds you attractive. You have a solid, long-term, and trusting relationship. I do believe, though, that you will need to put a bit more effort into the sexual side of your relationship in the future. Your feelings of insecurity and resentment are natural, but if you leave them unaddressed they will turn into something that can permanently injure your relationship.
There are many reasons why your boyfriend might not be very interested in sex right now. Your guy might be overworked or stressed out. High stress levels from work, family, or financial issues can adversely affect his libido, and you need to be sensitive to this possibility.
Perhaps he is simply exhausted during the week and, by bedtime, he is too tired to want to anything more than curl up with you and fall asleep. Take a different approach. Try initiating sex when you first get home from work – before you’ve both settled into evening/relaxation mode. Or, join him in the shower one morning. Just be sure to set the alarm 15 minutes earlier so you’re not late!
Or, it could just be that you’ve fallen into a bit of a rut. You are around each other 24/7 now. And while it is wonderful to be fully comfortable around your significant other, it certainly takes some of the excitement, mystery, and fun out of a relationship.
Before you lived together, your boyfriend only saw you when you were going out or had plans together. Now he sees you when you’re not dressed and ready for a happy hour, cocktail party, or night out. He sees you in the morning before you’ve had your coffee. He sees you after work when you’ve had a bad day and just want to collapse on the couch with a bag of chips or box of chocolate. He sees you when you’re sick and when you have awful cramps. And while some of this is great – you can look every bit as sexy in a tee-shirt and yoga pants as you can in a mini skirt and heels – there are some things your boyfriend never needs to see. So shut the door when you floss your teeth, pluck your eyebrows, and always (always!) when you pee.
And, it’s time to vary your routine. Put some excitement back into your sex life. Try sending him a flirty, suggestive text on a Wednesday afternoon (just no boob shots, please, he is at work). But a subtly sexy message can certainly get him thinking of you and excited about coming home. Plan a date night. Sure, you see each other all the time, but do something special. Make a reservation. Try something new. A little romance can go a long way.
Or, make an arrangement with your boyfriend. Both of you should write down all the sexual things you’d love to try but never have. Put them in a box and, every Friday morning, draw one out. You’ll both spend all day thinking about what you get to try when you get home. Want him to take you on the kitchen table? He’ll be imagining you while he’s eating lunch, and your at home meals together will take on a whole new dimension in the future. Try watching a porn together. Slutty Sorority Sisters 8 not your thing? There are some excellent vintage titles out there with sexy plotlines and a lot less silicone. Want him to tie you up? Want to tie him up? Put one of his ties to a good use. And believe me, come Monday morning he’ll be thinking of you when he’s at the office.
I had an abortion about a year ago. Since then the thought of sex sickens me and brings up the memory of that day. Not only was my boyfriend conveniently absent on the day of the abortion but it somehow never seemed to bother him. In fact I think he’s relieved. Our relationship started to go really bad after about a month or so afterwards when he wanted to have sex again normally as if nothing ever happen. Unprotected at that! Not only do I never want him to touch me again but I feel like if I never have sex again it wouldn’t bother me. Is this normal for me to feel this way or do you think it will pass in time. And what about Him? Am I being too hard on Him? Do I forgive him or leave him? I’m so confused please help point me in the right direction.
First, I’d like you to know that you have my condolences and warm thoughts on all that you’ve had to deal with. This is by no means something you should have to go through alone. And, I do not believe I am fully qualified to address your question in full. The decision you faced is not one any woman should have to face alone. And the experience is exceptionally traumatic – bodily, emotionally, and mentally.
I believe you need to seek help from a professional and certified therapist to help facilitate your recovery. You do not deserve to live like this, but you can recover and move on with your life, regardless of how daunting that endeavor may seem presently. I recommend first speaking with your OBGYN or family GP to find a suitable therapist in your area that you would be comfortable scheduling an appointment with. I cannot begin to understand the full gamut of emotions you must be dealing with on a daily basis. Guilt, abandonment, grief, and uncertainty probably just brush the tip of the iceberg. A professional, however, can help you begin to vocalize some of your feelings and help you start to make sense of it all.
To begin with, I want you to be able to come to terms with your initial decision to have the abortion. Regardless of what anyone else had to say – friends, family, your boyfriend, society in general – it was your decision and your decision alone. And you had every right to do what you believed was best with your body. Perhaps it is not my place, but consider your situation now and your current relationship: you alone best knew whether it was a prudent time to bring a child into your life, and you alone were best qualified to make that determination. Regardless, guilt is still a very natural reaction. Use your guilt to mourn, and then you will be able to begin to move on.
As for your boyfriend, a quick assessment indicates that he is being self-centered and childish. Your comment that he’s pushing to have sex again so quickly “as if nothing ever happened” is especially concerning because it indicates that he would rather ignore the situation and your post-traumatic stress than address what happened in a mature way. Furthermore, his insistence on not only pushing you into a sexual relationship when you’re not ready but to do so without protection is disturbing. It tells me that he is refusing to recognize the serious nature of the experience you’ve been through and is not concerned with your feelings or recovery. There is no excuse to engage in unprotected sex. It is unhealthy and exceptionally irresponsible and, ultimately, it is your responsibility to protect yourself regardless of your boyfriend’s desires.
If, however, his behavioral changes and insensitivity coincide precisely with your abortion and the events directly preceding and following the procedure then, perhaps, there is another explanation for his inappropriate behavior (but not his demands for unprotected sex!). An abortion can be a life-altering and traumatic decision for the father as well. And, while it is the woman who must ultimately deal with the severe psychological stress surrounding the experience, I believe the father’s part and emotional response is often largely ignored.
Did he support your decision? If so, there is certainly the possibility that he had more reservations than he felt comfortable sharing with you because he did not want to further complicate an already difficult decision. Men are traditionally stoic and reserved when it comes to their emotions, and there is a good chance he also has several issues he needs to deal with as well.
His refusal to show up on the day of your procedure was both callous and, in my opinion, inexcusable. That does not mean, however, that he doesn’t have an explanation. Perhaps his absence was a defense mechanism allowing him to deny and avoid a situation he was not certain he would be able to deal with. Ultimately, you need to talk to him. If he is someone worthy of a continued relationship then you need to begin working out some of the issues that have been left unsaid before they fester into something insurmountable.
Once you’ve met with a professional you are comfortable with, I suggest bringing your boyfriend along to a few sessions. That is what these professionals do – they help individuals and couples address issues that are too difficult to face alone. And, if your boyfriend refuses, then I believe it is a sign that he is simple not mature enough to handle this situation and it is time for you to direct your focus on healing yourself and moving on.
I recently got back together with my girlfriend of three years after we took a 6 month break from each other. Since our break up she’s pierced both of her nipples and is talking about getting her clitoris pierced even though she knows how much I hate this. By her doing this should I take it as a sign that she probably thought all along we were never going to get back together. Or by her doing this, is this her way of telling me my feelings or opinions aren’t important to her anymore. Or could this be a sign of what I should expect in the future because she’s probably going to do whatever she wants whether I like it or not.
The first concern I have with your question is the assumption that your girlfriend’s decision to get her body pierced had anything to do with you. Frankly, it’s her body and her choice. People chose to get piercings, tattoos, and other body modifications for various reasons, the majority of them highly personal. I believe your assumption that her choice concerns you or your relationship is both extremely self-centered and very troubling.
It seems that you are upset because she has done something without your permission or prior knowledge. This controlling tendency is disturbing. It is not a sign of a healthy relationship, and it is a mistake to make her decision about you.
One reasonable possibility to consider is that your girlfriend chose the time during your separation to get her piercings because she feared your response or might have even believed that you wouldn’t have “allowed” her to do something like this. This possibility alone should be a wakeup call to you. Your girlfriend should be comfortable with her personal choices and your responses to them. She should never feel as though she needs your permission to make a personal decision.
However, any healthy relationship revolves around communication, and I believe you should have a discussion with her. But first, you need to ask yourself a question. Why does her decision bother you so much? Is it really because you do not find her piercings appealing? Or is it because she did not consult you first? You do not have the right to control her body and should not expect to do so.
Finally, if you stop attempting to turn your girlfriend’s choice into a personal attack against you or a statement about your relationship, you might just come to find her new piercings quite enjoyable. Nipple and clit piercings can provide enhanced pleasure to women when properly stimulated. View this as an opportunity to increase her sexual satisfaction. If she’s happy, you should be too.
Please be advised Amanda Is Not a licensed health care proffessional or mental health care physician. Nor is she a certified sex therapist. Intended for the purposes of entertainment. If you need help or think you may need help please contact your physician or a local mental health care professional.
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